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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Marius' LiveJournal:

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Saturday, May 17th, 2008
4:11 pm
Young Manhood
Well, I'm back in St.Louis. My brother graduated from law school, so i figured I'd come out and give him a healthy congraduations. It was a decent flight in. Had some nice tailwind. Got here in about 2 1/2 hours.

Went to his ceremony and law school party and after party on Friday. The ceremony was nice. Chris Matthews was the keynote speaker. Phyllis Schlafly (unfortunately, my aunt's aunt) got protested for receiving an honorary degree. I stayed a sober sally until the after party. Enjoyed the company of my large family.

Went to the St.Louis Zoo today. Apparently ranked America's #1 Zoo. Take that San Diego Zoo! Also, it was free admission. That was cool. They have a hairless chimp. It was crazy. I'll throw up some pictures once i get back if i can get around to it. There's a good one of her (it's a girl chimp) looking at the camera with a very human demeanor. Creepy.

I got a mean sunburn, but hopefully it is just enough to not peel. I might get like the corner of my scalp to peel a teeny tiny bit. Oh well.

It's kind of strange out here. I definitely don't belong. Not that I have ever successfully felt like i belonged anywhere. But if i do find that place, it certainly won't be here. I love it here. It's just not my climate. I always have my wonders about things, but... I dunno. It also has a lot to do with where I'm at right now in my life. Like, some places are just better socially suited for people in their 30's, or doctors, or heroin addicts. And St.Louis is not suited for me right now.

I got summed up recently. It was frustrated and adoring in the same moment. This was how it went:
"Some times you are so brilliant, and sometimes I think I've found the stupidest person on earth. You contradict yourself in so many ways, it's hard to keep up- but you make it work. Like watching poetry or reading the ocean's movement."

Concerning.

(1 prophet | save the world)

Monday, January 14th, 2008
8:43 am
Trauma Mark: Under The Knife
Well, I'm off to the hospital.

With any luck I'll be back on here by noon posting in a doped up haze about something i should never speak of.

No, really, i hope i don't get on here for the next 5 days.

See you later!

(save the world)

Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
7:49 pm
I need some help.

Went to see the doctor today and he said he'd be able to squeeze me in for surgery on Monday. I'll be out of commission for at least three days.

I need a new TV series to watch on DVD. Any suggestions?

I don't usually watch TV anymore so most things i haven't seen. As of right now, I'm leaning towards Lost, but I'm wary because it's still on the air, and i really don't want to get sucked in to shows that are currently running.

It can be a comedy, drama, sci-fi, anime, whatever, so long as it's something that i could potentially watch roughly 36 hours of and not get disinterested.

(13 prophets | save the world)

Friday, December 7th, 2007
2:45 am
California!
Well, went to Berkeley today. Nice campus.

Saw Tegan and Sara. It was an excellent show. The opening band was pretty good for an opening band, i reckon. I mean, i'd never listen to their music really, but they put on an entertaining show. Just not my shtick. Tegan and Sara were great. I feel like they played a ton of songs, but i also feel like the show went by really fast. It was confusing. But they're great live. Performing and in between songs.

It was raining and windy, but definitely not as cold as i thought it would be. Not even as cold as it's felt like on Phoenix winter nights. It was cold, don't get me wrong. But i guess i was psyching myself up a little too much.

I'm more stoked for tomorrow though. I have a little teeny boner whenever i get to see Jimmy Eat World. Plus, there's rumor of us going to San Francisco early and doing touristy stuff. I'm not much of a natural born tourist. But i do still like to get to enjoy the places i visit. Plus i feel obligated to get a Starbucks architect mug. I hate when i do actually get suckered by a marketing idea. Even if it's a company i borderline support.

Still sorta sick. Slowly getting better. Maybe. Don't know yet. Too early to tell? Still no sore throat, but this cough is a pain. Nasal drip is getting to be less though.

All things considered: so far so good.

Mark's party is Saturday. I'd like to be healthy by then. Haven't decided yet whether I want to invite anyone to accompany me. I'm leaning towards no. But knowing me, I probably will. Decisions, decisions.

(save the world)

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
8:16 am
All it takes is a good explosion to make the world right again.

I ain't fussin around no more. I aim to do what i aim to do. I done most of it. Knocked down three birds (today) yesterday. Two more to go. I'm feelin good.

I've been up awhile and i'm damn tired. And i've got a lot to do today.

Ready? Okay!

(1 prophet | save the world)

Monday, October 22nd, 2007
4:32 am
Love Songs
Sometimes i just want to write love songs.

Maybe not to anybody. Maybe to people i've loved. Maybe to people i've wanted to love more.

Sometimes i just want to write sad depressing beautiful love songs.

Cause the trick about sad depressing love songs is that they remember only the greatest moments in life. And even the bad ones you write in can't outshine the good. It's the idealism that takes the spotlight, center stage in the theater of loneliness. But you watch. Cause it's so amazing, you can't help.

Whether or not, after the show is over, you take what you've seen and dwell on the dreary curtains framing the show, or the fake performance of the actors involved, or the upsetting finale, that's up to you. Maybe you have the ability to stop, take a step back, and accept that it was just a performance. That more often than not, things happened for a reason. And that a love song, is really just a gentle tribute to the past. The way that military officers are promoted after death.

Appreciate them your own way- but don't get hung up on love songs. Or love stories. Or histories. Cause ain't none of it quite like what's really happening. And what's really happening is just as really beautiful.

(3 prophets | save the world)

Sunday, June 24th, 2007
4:17 am
Off The Chain/Oh Bananas
I really should go to bed, but instead...

Jimmy Eat World is coming home on August 3rd. Mesa Arts Center.

It's another Futures tour, but this time they're gonna play a little bit more of the mellow good shit. Namely 23.

Love it.

(3 prophets | save the world)

Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
8:00 pm
It takes one to know one.
Why is ignorance so bliss. And why must i refuse to be ignorant. Why do i walk into these things. Why do i stumble upon what i never want to find. Why do i eat my words the day after i make a speech. Why do i hate everything so much right now. Why am i blinded by my belief that i'm not blinded. Why Why Why.

I'm so stupid. It's got to be different by now, but that doesn't mean i don't feel used. What if it isn't different...

What happened to being straight.

What happened to honesty.

Why am i the only one working for it when everyone else is leading their dual lives.

I guess you could call me a laggard.

Duped again.

(save the world)

Saturday, November 25th, 2006
1:28 am
Will
It's kind of felt like one of those days that just gets lost to apathy.

Like no one really cared about today. It wasted away from start to finish. And despite anyone's feigned attempt at starting to care, it never happened.

I feel really off today. I felt excellent two days ago. I was fine yesterday. I'm just off. I got slapped in the face last night with what folks in these parts call 'the future.'

I don't really want to think about it too much. It feels like everyone is hitting that wall right now. Making plans as nicole put it. It's hard to make plans. You never really want to make plans unless you're in a good situation to make plans you won't break. And right now, i'm all about being able to break plans. So why make them? Is there a clear point where you can just lay it all out and admit that making a plan, even an uneasy one, is going to be more beneficial than waiting for a surer thing to come along.

Maybe I've been wrong all these years, cause really how far have i gotten? Maybe you do make plans. Maybe you ought to, or else you'll never get anything done. These aren't little plans, these are big plans. Maybe i should have been following desires and interests further. Maybe i should have been fighting for things, instead of letting them fight over me. Maybe there comes a point where too much reaction leads to innaction.

Then the question raised is: which compromises are acceptable and which am i not going to be able to deal with? To make a plan is to forego another. To take one fork is to deny the other. Who am i? Can i make it through without a significant compromise? That's doesn't even seem like something possible when looking at it from a far away view, yet that's what i've been striving for my entire life. Conflict and compromising outcomes are my least favorite things. But how long can i go on working around that?

I feel foolish now. What have i missed out on through my lack of commitment. But then again, i look at all of the things i could have committed to that have gone wrong. I feel reassured, but also nagged by the thought "Had i committed, would things have turned out the way they did?" It doesn't matter now, the things in my past, but it is worth thinking about in regards to decisions i'm going to make in my very near future.

This is worth fighting for. I know that. But it's going to mean a lot of me. And i'm still unsure if i'm ok with that. Will it all be worth it in 5, 10, 50 years? I want to think so. I haven't been like this ever.

I was a wreck when i found out the truth about love. I resented a lot of things, and shut down. And now it seems like my time off was worth it. Teaching my lessons to myself. The student master becoming the master student. I feel like myself again for the first time. I've somehow found restraint. I've lost the bitter edge. I'm not the same as i was 7 years ago, and that's not something i'll ever be again. But i'm as close to my most basic self as i have ever been in a long time. It took realising and accepting how certain things were. I moved on faster than i should have, And i never got over some things that just take time. Time takes time, you know. I have regret, i know that now, but still not a strong enough desire to gamble on change.

It's all just a big mess of life, my life is. A lot of things i thought i don't think anymore. I love my life. I love the people in my life. It's still a hard thing, and i'm certainly not some dopey romantic.

But i've re-acquainted myself to loving, and life seems to have come with it. Now i'm finally ready to work. I need to find the Power.



Passion.

I have love.

(3 prophets | save the world)

Monday, September 25th, 2006
6:42 am
I hate never feeling like i have enough time to do anything. I feel this way about pretty much everything. I either don't allow enough time for something, or i just don't do it cause i know i won't allow enough time for it. Or i don't make time for it. I try to set timelines and schedules to help me with actually being successful in school but they never play out as i set them.

I love working out. I love being active. I want to be able to do it more often and with someone who is along the same level of passion. The problem is that even if i could get it all worked out, my time management would never allow for it to be successful.

I'm about to go out running. I'm so excited. I'm a loser.


In other news, i've recently discovered that i am actually a conservative when it comes to politics. Ideally. This is after relating the more original terms of politics and government relationship. However, it's a little late for conservatism in America. It's been hi-jacked, and centuries of not caring have taken advantage of its core principles for the worst. Not to say liberalism doesn't have its merits under common sense and its failures under ignorance as well. But given the choice between the two, in a decent community, i'd pick a conservative government most everytime.


Today was a lonely day.
Time for a jog!

(save the world)

Saturday, August 26th, 2006
3:11 am
I don't legitimately doubt myself often. I don't often have a reason to. It's easy to believe a lot of things until you're proven wrong.

I don't want to get at what i'm getting at.

I just have a lot to prove. To the people that believed in me. To the people that didn't.

I know i've let you down. More than once. But if i said i wanted to be a better person for you, would you believe me? If i said i had every intention would you stick around?

You have a wandering eye. I'm still right here.
Friday, August 18th, 2006
3:26 pm
You might have guessed it, although you may not believe it
As of right now, i can definitively say that last night was the best movie-going experience i have had in my entire life.

I went to see Snakes on a Plane. It was everything i could have hoped for, and nothing i could ever dream of. The movie itself was as campy as wanted it to be. It was funny. It was inappropriate. It was beautiful.

I say 'movie-going experience' because the movie was only about 50% of my enjoyment. The crowd was the other 40%. (10% was beer.) Only on an opening night, first showing of a movie to any crowd, could something so raucous happen. The theater was like 2/3rds full, less than i was expecting, but everyone who was there was there for the same reason. We were hooting, hollering, laughing, clapping, cat-calling, standing-up-and-cheering. It was excellent. We knew the movie was shit and we loved it for that. I would consider what happened last night akin to open mic night at the apollo.

If you haven't seen the movie yet, i'd suggest trying to tonight at a late showing. If you don't see it tonight, i'd suggest you never do.






Someday when i'm much older, i'll try to explain this event to the youth of tomorrow, but i fear its greatness will be lost on them.

(save the world)

Friday, July 14th, 2006
11:20 pm
Night Drive
So monday night/tuesday morning was probably the best day of my life. I woke up 6pm monday, showered, shaved, all that jazz. Sidenote: don't think i've taken an actual razor to my face in at least half a year. Went out with friends. Started drinking very late in the evening. Went home. Had a beautiful conversation that prevented me from napping. Had one of the best drives to work on a workday in a long time. (everything about the drive went well. i did 95 the whole way. cars created the most amazing intricate framework that i weaved through like a magical needle. my windows were down and it wasn't hot. blasted every good Juanes song i hadn't heard in like a year or more. Heaven on wheels) I got to work still buzzing pretty good and feeling fantastic. I lifted a huge paper order in less time than it usually takes me to do an order half that size. I drank delicious water. Had an apple fritter for the first time in a month. It was slow but steady.

I'd like to say that it was all those things in combination that honestly made me feel better than i ever have in years, but the truth is i know there was only one reason i felt so good. It was anticipation. It was anticipation of the most uncontrollable, scary, unwelcomed, sorely needed feelings of my life. I am so afraid and so excited. I had plans, and i made stands, but this kind of a feeling doesn't happen every day. And now i gotta change my life for it. I gotta... live for it. I felt alive, is what it was. I just... felt alive. And it gets sweeter every day.

Right now, i gotta go over to chipi-chape's and spend good time with some of the best friends i'll have in my life.

Nothing ever makes sense. That's the most sense i can make out.

(1 prophet | save the world)

Thursday, July 6th, 2006
3:47 pm
I'm a little late, but happy 5th anniversary journal. I remembered a week before, and now a week after. Guess you're just about as important to me as everything else isn't. Cheers cocksucker.

I hate noting this annually, but i'd also hate not to. It tempts me to go back and read old shit, then i remember how much i hate myself just from yesterday, and multiply that by 1800. And i don't feel the urge to read as much as i used to. I prefer my blurred version of memories (i have terrible memory) that may or may not have even existed. I lie a lot, and if i can't remember otherwise- which is often the case, my lies become truths. That's why i hate it when other people, most notoriously ex-girlfriends, try to remind of times i fucked up. They know the truth, but i inexplicably have no memory of the occasion, or worse, a totally different version. Then it's an argument that i can't win, because they have the truth on their side, but i get away with it, cause i legitimately don't remember otherwise. I just say "you're probably right, i was such an ass" and that's that for the time being. It's shitty, cause i know they want more from me, and they feel like i'm being an ass again. It's really the best i can do. I think what makes them most angry is the fact that, at the time, my fuckup was so unimportant to me that i didn't take time to note it in the first place. Let alone months, years later. Nothing is really that important to me though. Ha. Even the good things, things that matter more to me than things that should matter to me, those are forgotten or blurred as well. I love myself so much cause i can't remember but a dozen fuckups through the entire course of my life. They sting bad. But 12 is not enough to constantly lower my self esteem. Only enough to randomly kick me in the balls when i shower or walk or drive, whether it's a good day or not. When i'm older, i can't wait to tell some stories of my life, and carry on only the slightest grain of truth through the entire tale. I was a natural born story teller, cause i embellish out of habit. It's a nature i cherish.

suckers. your world is shit. i own mine.

(save the world)

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
3:13 am
Truths are proven. Everything else is on good faith.
I've just got to stop thinking. I've just got to stop thinking. I've just got to stop thinking.

1) don't have (any/significant) relationships
2) do more
3) don't have compassion/understanding
4) do save money
5) don't talk as much
6) do try to get out of here as soon as possible
7) don't think about how you'd like to present yourself
8) do present yourself the way you had been thinking
9) don't cut your hair
10) do think all the truths you've been saying
11) don't say what you think
12) do what feels natural at the moment
13) don't be a nice guy
14) do use all of your abilities when situations present
15) don't regret coming back
16) do be the best. no matter the cost. the truth is you are better than everyone else. show them and shut up about it.


Happy Solstice!

~Mark

(save the world)

Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
12:17 pm
grass is greener

(save the world)

Friday, May 19th, 2006
4:12 pm
Of death, and dying
Man... It's just wierd. The feelings that get brought up by moments and memories so far gone that you don't even remember them unless you're reminded. It's a strange feeling staring at the last remaining visible memory of a long lost friend. Especially when you haven't seen it for almost a decade. I've never really dwelled on death, nor have i been one to mourn extendedly, just on account of my views, but when you look at something, and can't help but get the chills... it's awkward. It makes you think and rethink. I almost walked out and started crying, but i kept it together. It's just that, there's so much that could have happened, so many different ways my life could have played out had he not passed away. Would we still be friends? Would i have met the people i know now? Would i be where i am? I can't help but wonder vaguely until i'm tired of crunching the numbers and outcomes, so i give up. I said i've never really dwelled on death, and i don't plan to. But sometimes when things unexpectedly knock you so hard... you can't help but pause. I forgot it was even still up there. I forgot how much he meant to all of us. I forgot how much i miss a lot of the people that i knew so well.

People die. And you can't ever get back to them. And that's the most tangible example of such a common phenomenon that is so hard for anyone to accept.

I used to be a person who could look no where but forward, and i guess it's getting older that makes you more fond of the past. Then again i never really had anything to remember fondly until recently. So maybe that's why i didn't look anywhere else. But now i feel like there's nothing to look forward to and everything to look back at. As much as i know it's not true at all, it's a long process to build to something great again, and lord knows i didn't particularly revel in my loneliness back then.

I need a fresh start.

(1 prophet | save the world)

Thursday, May 11th, 2006
11:42 pm
can you still feel the butterflies. (64:06)
I guess it's just a matter of deciding if i can get back to the point where things make me happy, or if i should focus on distracting myself. I'm surprised that i feel optimistic about both options.

Let's be honest with my current situation:
I'm not happy. I'm not any registered emotion.
I just started a job that i love. I work with people that i enjoy working with. That means 30-40 hours out of my week are taken care of.
I am about to move home.
I just got my computer running for the first time in a month and a half. I'm fairly certain it has only made things minutely worse.
I change my mind every day about what i am going to do with the larger portion of my career life. I change my mind every day about what i am going to do with the next year of my life.
I am constantly tempted by my past vices. And i frequently succumb. But i'm very conscious of my weaknesses and have aknowledged them as problems, and as such can actively make a stand to overcome urges of boredom and desire.
I have absolutely no sexual drive whatsoever. what. so. ever. Which i'm starting to accept as the catch 22 of my spiral into mediocrity. It was my bloodlust. Now i'm just so godamn... sedated.
I am fairly certain that desperately hanging on to my very good group of friends that i only see seasonaly is the reason that i can't make new friends. At the same time, i do very little to actually keep in touch with my friends.
I try... so hard to gather together enough of myself to feel like i have direction, but i just don't know what to aim for. I don't want to try things until i'm 25, but i don't want to pick something just to realize it's no good and start all over.
I don't know what i want. I know what i want. I don't know how to get it. I don't know if i can. I think if i had it, everything else would come easier. But what i want isn't what i need right now. What i want should come after i figure everything else out.
I just want to be happy. And not an echoing loneliness. It's brewed in my head for years. I felt every word. I would take the angriest of angries just to be happy again. I would take pleasure and pain over comatose.

No amount of me thinking or writing this does anything. And i'm tired of it. But it consumes me. And that is why i feel compelled. It's just too much. I feel the urge to get it out. Over and over again. Again and again. I have to keep writing until i have nothing more to write about. And then i'll have something else to write about. I hate this overwhelming feeling.

I desperately need to get sound card so i can actually listen to music.

Life is so quiet.

Current Mood: lonely

(4 prophets | save the world)

Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
1:30 am
I'm corrupt- I wrote back good luck
Ahh, priceless LJ. How long has it been? A year? More.

I always find myself turning back in times of loneliness. I'm alone. I have no other outlets. What do you expect? I'm no better or worse than I've ever been. Still lonely. Still alone. If you can't help yourself and you're not helping someone else and no one's helping you, what do you do? What an enjoyable feeling of helplessness.

I'm such a weiner.

What do I even want anymore? It's not what I thought.

I wish there was an unbiased force in my life to talk to.

I would daresay it helps my situation that I hate who I am. If only that would spur me to change. If only it mattered. It does matter. It doesn't matter.

Fuck
Me

I wish I had a heart left. Not just hollow compassion. Not just how I should be.

I wish I wish. I wish I would bother to count up how many times I've said 'I wish' in my head- hell, even in LJ, so that I'd stop saying it.


Fuck


Me


I never thought I'd get this bad or this pathetic. Life just has a way of being real.

(11 prophets | save the world)

Thursday, January 6th, 2005
5:28 am
A Very Big Book
(Not to be read at once, but at one's leisure, in succession)

A Thought Process in Works:

Work 1
I am sitting in a living room, at a computer, listening to remnants of my library. The few old volumes I've got left in this building. I don't know how I missed some of them. I meant to take everything with me when I left.

I am sitting in a chair that I am not familiar with. It likes me and I like it, but we both agree that we hardly know each other. I play around with it at times, and it entertains my antics, because it's an easy going fun lover just like me- a little cold at first sight, first search, first sit.

I am sitting in a spot that at one point was used to build houses, gardens, arenas, skyscrapers. So many things have been erected in my lifetime. So many things destroyed. So many people have been made. So many people lost.

Work 2
Nothing is really gone, just forgotten. I can turn my back, walk away from a life of construct and it'll stay reeling at my heels, out of sight. I'm not out of mind, I'm making it up. Making it up as I go along. And here it is, I'm finally all made up. I look good, don't I? Can you smell me? That's anticipation. That's the scent you gave me. Pensive Pomp: An heir of splendor with an air of sobriety. I've forgotten about it, but it's still there. You still smell it. I see it in your eyes when you smell me after absence. Spend enough time and maybe you'll smell like it too. Maybe you'll forget the smell. And that's when you'll see me: a man. A man in a suit. A man looking to the future. A man standing, waiting on his wedding day.

Work 3
Days before, I'll recount everything in my old volumes. I'll look at all that has been done, undone and redone. I'll tally up the scores that have passed me by. Remember when I fucked up. Remember when I lost it. Remember when I lost you. You. You. You. Days before, I'll organize it all. I'll package up what needs storing, hang the condemned signs, inventory the loose threads. I'll roof the buildings, set the keystones, furnish the vacancies. Days before, I'll see that everyone is sleeping where they want, working where they want, staying where they are. I'll post the population sign and get in my car. Days before, I'll pick up the line and take it all in and remember why I forgot.

Work 4
Days after, I'll be sowing seeds. Days after that. And days after that. Days after, I'll lead life. For days after.

(1 prophet | save the world)

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